The logical
thing to do would be to open with an intro post, but that isn’t really what is
inspiring me to write and since one of my reasons for doing this is to get back
into writing, I’m going to write about what strikes me right now. So for now I
will give a brief intro and then get right down to the nitty gritty. I have an
associate’s degree, a bachelor’s degree, yet I felt unsatisfied with my job
options and went back to community college to pursue early childhood education.
I’m currently enrolled in my second semester, I have 15 ECE units and a
semester of service learning under my belt. This semester I’m taking on another
15 units and have an apprentice teaching position at the Child Development
Center on campus. For the sake on confidentiality I won’t be using my name, my
school name, or any names of children, parents, or other teachers on this blog.
Any names I do use for the sake of clarity in writing are pseudonyms. So far we
have had one week of training modules, next week we are doing classroom setup,
and the week after school starts so we will have children in our classrooms.
I’m going to be working in a toddler room that has children between age 2 and
3.
Don’t get
me wrong, I am really excited to have a new job, new skills, and to take a step
forward. But I hate beginnings. I hate being new at things and I hate making
mistakes. I’m sure nobody likes these things, but I really don’t. I’ve been working in retail since 2008 and many times
not been happy. Hours are not given generously, schedules are constantly
changing, management changes a lot and there is generally just a lot of
irritation involved. Sometimes I’ve got frustrated and tried to change jobs, a
couple times I even had some options, yet every time I stay because I haven’t
wanted to start over. As annoying as my job is I know it well, I do it quickly
and accurately, and everybody knows it. I’m seen as an expert, given
responsibility, and overall trusted. In the end despite the irritations my
desire to not want to start over has won out and I’ve stayed.
Ever since
I was young in school my teachers would praise my academic abilities. Even when
I had behavioral issues in elementary school my teachers would still comment
that I was ahead and intelligent. This continued into middle and high school.
One day in 8th grade English we were discussing a poem and the
teacher asked me a question about the poem – apparently this poem was satire
and I hadn’t picked up on that so I answered the question wrong. I remember my
teacher sighing in exasperation and saying, “If you don’t understand this,
nobody will.” Throughout the rest of my academic career my teachers acted like
me doing well was expected and when I messed up it always seemed to be a bigger
deal than when other students did. Part of this was nice – after all, who
doesn’t enjoy praise? But the strong negative reactions to my mistakes or
misunderstandings impacted me even more than the praise. I feel a lot of
pressure to get close to perfection and because of this being new at something
terrifies me. If I don’t understand something or mess up my confidence is
immediately shot. Because of this until I feel I can do something at least
close to perfect I often won’t try. At work I went from not saying much to take
the lead in one day because I finally felt I had quietly observed enough to
know what I was doing. There is very little middle ground for me, if I’m unsure
I will keep quietly watching and not give much indication that I’m even
considering trying something.
Yet here I
am, about to start doing something new. Why do this to myself? I don’t know,
I’m still figuring that out. I tend to get really excited and believe I can
handle anything so I take on challenges and only once I’m starting do I realize
how anxious I am. I am lucky in that even though this is a new role for me it
isn’t a completely new setting. I will be in the same classroom I was in for
service learning hours last semester with many of the same kids, the same lead
teacher, and other apprentices I know.
Even with service learning last semester it wasn’t until the last day
that I felt confident really speaking up and offering to do things or help with
specific tasks. During our meetings with our classroom staff this past week I
felt a bit insecure because the other two apprentices were in this classroom
before and spent 3-5 days a week with these kids when I spent 2 hours a week
with them. I felt completely unequipped to contribute much – though I keep
reminding myself that will change as the semester goes on.
My usual
methods of quiet observation aren’t going to work now. Along with being an
apprentice, I am also enrolled in a class that requires me to do 6 hours of
intern work per week. I am lucky to be able to do those hours in the same
classroom but this means I will be required to take on planning and
responsibilities beyond just the apprentice job description – in our meetings
last week my lead teacher remarked that the interns will be fully running the
show at times and my stomach dropped a little bit. She also mentioned that in
this field you often learn best by failing and considering what went wrong. So
what it all comes down to is learning skills alone won’t get me through this,
I’m going to have to constantly push outside my comfort zone and learn in a new
way.
But despite
this there is no part of me considering not doing this. I do find comfort in
the fact that when I want to get good at something I usually do and I received
high marks on my service learning evaluation so perhaps I am being harder on
myself than necessary. I also am very lucky to be in a program where I not only
am getting paid to learn in the classroom but we have paid training modules as
well. During training we were given apprentice portfolios to keep track of
training and the staff at the center will meet us individually to go over
these, help us get our permits, etc. I feel very lucky to be in an environment
that is set up for learners, these people understand we are learning and just
want to help us. Having an opportunity to get experience in such a setting is
so valuable and I fully intend on taking advantage of it. Lastly but certainty
not least, I enjoy this. I am not a
morning person so if I’m willing to get up before sunrise 5 days a week for
something that says a lot. Being honest with myself I know this is what I’ve
wanted for a very long time but I let others discourage me from it. My
grandmother was an early childhood teacher and I loved the time I spent in her
classroom. I remember in 8th grade on the first day of sci/tech
class we did job aptitude tests and I was not at all surprised when mine said I
should be teaching. But somehow in high school I let people guide me away from
it, people told me it wouldn’t pay well and I could be successful at anything I
wanted. Remember all that praise I mentioned? That came with a lot of pressure
to choose a “distinguished” career, which just left me confused. I have no
doubt I am where I am supposed to be now.
The title
of this blog is Play, Grow, Learn. I will touch more on the topic of play very
often, as well as the Reggio Emilia approach, which resonates with me, and I
draw a lot of inspiration with – as does the center I work at now. I see that
title as a description of not only what I hope for the children but for myself
as well. I hope to play, grow, and learn right along with the children,
hopefully becoming both a better teacher and person. And I hope at least a
handful of people will read along so they can laugh along with me, cringe along
with me, and learn with me as I start this new chapter of my life.
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